By Jamie Martelle
My last blog post was all about rising above my anxious thoughts. As though the enemy was offended by this, there have since been some forces at work in my life that have really tested me, grating away at my already-delicate level of confidence. The sense of unease settled over me like a fog, sometimes awful and thick, with glimmers of fear and doubt flashing through the darkness. There was just no powering through this. Little things turned into monsters and grew so large they seemed to obscure what little light was still shining. My mind, heart and soul froze up, and I realized I had lost my courage.
The question brewing in my mind was, what does a person do when she’s lost her courage? A few (foolish) things came immediately to mind:
- You can start making a mental list of the ten (or twenty) dumbest things you’ve ever done in your life and start replaying them painfully over in your head until you just crawl under the covers and stay there.
- You can systematically wipe out all of the food in your cupboards, starting with the carbs.
- You can drink, smoke, or use whatever other chemical is currently your preference; or,
- ______________________ (Fill in the blank).
I have struggled all of my life with anxiety and panic disorder. I don’t know if it will ever be completely gone until I reach my heavenly home, but it has lessened, a great deal, thankfully. I have been redeemed and I am a child of God. In this state, I have found that there is a certain peace and hope at the core of my being, but still, I am very human in a very broken world. That knowledge keeps me on my knees, seeking God for healing and refining me into becoming the person He created me to be. I have “done my time” in the prison of addiction to substances, and I am forever thankful for God’s deliverance. However, I still struggle with fear and anxiety.
I was pondering this while pouring a bowl of cereal, after eating a huge mound of popcorn and several handfuls of nuts, when I thought of Elijah. Elijah was a prophet in Israel during the reign of a very evil king and queen, Ahab and Jezebel (see 1 Kings 17-18). Ahab and Jezebel were just plain scary. Yet, Elijah went up against them and was empowered by God to demonstrate His authority over this earthly king and queen who had rejected Him. Elijah was so brave! And yet, after an amazing display of God’s awesome power and might, in partnership with Elijah before all the people, Elijah received news that Jezebel was going to destroy him, and he ran for his life. Elijah was exhausted and burned out. His resources were all used up and God knew it. He had mercy on Elijah. He sent an angel to care for Elijah, to feed him and minister to him. After Elijah rested for a time, he traveled forty days and forty nights to Mount Horeb, also known as Mount Sinai, where Moses had met with God some centuries before. When he got there, he went into a cave to spend the night. God met with Elijah in that cave.
And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” (1 Kings 19:9-10)
I have never had anyone threaten to kill me, but I have definitely felt alone, and at risk of losing what little control, or personal freedom I felt that I had over my life, and that something terrible was about to happen. When I seek the Lord’s face, and ask Him what it is that I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to act under the circumstances, it seems as though He answers me in riddles.
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”(1 Kings 19:11-13)
I’m thinking, praying, “Lord, You know that I love You, You know I will do anything You ask of me.” And I pull my cloak over my face because He is so powerful and all-consuming, as I wait for his response, which comes after a time, “Trust Me.” “Rest now.” “Abide in Me.” And He goes on, as in that earlier encounter, with Moses:
Then He said, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” But He said, “You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live.” (Exodus 33:19-20)
Because I know, more than anything else in this world or beyond it, He is good. He has made His goodness very real to me. He has delivered me when I didn’t think He existed or cared. He has loved me when I took Him for granted. I have learned that He is light, and there is no darkness within Him.
Martyn Lloyd-Jones says this about what God said to Moses: “I will stoop to your weakness. I will let you see something. But, much more important than that, I will cause all my goodness to pass before you. I will give you a deeper insight and understanding into myself, into my character, into what I am. That is what you really need to know.” (http://www.studylight.org/desk/index.cgi?rq=01033&t1=en_niv)
Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” (vv. 21-23)
In my weakest moments, when I am feeling completely undone, I have no choice but to rest in Him. That is, apparently, His will for me. It’s as if He has placed me in a cleft in the Rock, and covered me with His mighty hand, and purposes to show me how He is going to take care of me and whatever my situation may be. My courage is worth about as much as a lost piece of paper, flying, tossed in the wind.
“These four things are happening at the same time, whenever God draws near to his people – revealing and concealing, blessing and protecting, all happening together at one and the same time. You cannot separate these things.” (Lloyd-Jones)
“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39, emphasis mine.)
Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves us. Take that in, breath its truth to your soul. Rest, and abide in the One who formed you in your mother’s womb. In due time, He will restore your courage, but only after you’ve come to realize it’s worthless without Him.